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Literature Text
Moment Of Nothing
See that no one can give,
The joy that will be my execution.
This is my moment of nothing
Because I denied that true calling.
You fail to deliver victory,
For you fall after every rise.
That is your moment of nothing
In the white fields, all red and bleeding.
Our fellows have come to take
And everyone sweats Fear.
That is their moment of nothing
To turn their backs with hopes failing.
To think not of one's life,
While every inch of the shell burns.
It could be a moment of nothing
If the god refuses the offering.
If the heavens open that door,
May we all come with light feet.
May this be a moment of nothing
That tells falling is not everything.
See that no one can give,
The joy that will be my execution.
This is my moment of nothing
Because I denied that true calling.
You fail to deliver victory,
For you fall after every rise.
That is your moment of nothing
In the white fields, all red and bleeding.
Our fellows have come to take
And everyone sweats Fear.
That is their moment of nothing
To turn their backs with hopes failing.
To think not of one's life,
While every inch of the shell burns.
It could be a moment of nothing
If the god refuses the offering.
If the heavens open that door,
May we all come with light feet.
May this be a moment of nothing
That tells falling is not everything.
This is my poem about those moments that we have regretted. It also could remind us of those moments that we just choose to forget. Criticisms are welcome.
© 2006 - 2024 cjec21
Comments2
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You write poetry din pala 
Sige, these are my thoughts.
It's an interesting premise to build up on what 'the moment of nothing is', and you use a lot of interesting images ('white fields, all red and bleeding', that sort of thing n__n) to try to explain what the 'moment' is.
But in the end, it still strikes me as vague o__o. I understand that to be in the 'moment of nothing' is feeling hopeless / regretful / like a failure, but before hammering your point home, you should try establishing and building up your dramatic situation first. What exactly is happening in that poem? I already said you've got a bunch of interesting images there, but like why would the fields be bleeding? Or what is the offering? Or who are the fellows and what have they come to take?
While I was reading, I was thinking there was a sort of war going on and people were getting shot and killed and one side was losing and people were feeling really bad etc. (But you may have had something entirely different when you were making this).
Also, you might want to put a clearer distinction between the 'you', 'I' and 'they' (because they could mean the same person, I wouldn't be sure).
Besides that, it's actually a fun poem to read. I tried reading out loud, and the rhyme scheme actually falls together nicely. It's also good that you were consistent in using the words 'moment of nothing' in every stanza, so it becomes like a chorus when you read the poem.
So it's an okay poem, that you can work on some more to make it better n___n.
If you want to re-write parts of it, just try to make it a bit less vague.
What I like most about this poem is that it carries a very sombre emo-ish air, but there is a reversal in the last line ('falling is not everything'). It's a short and sweet line that may add depth to everything else in the poem.
However, it still comes as a bit rushed. You could put another line (or something) just to clarify how a 'moment of nothing' can in fact mean hope.
And write more poems! It was fun to read this one n___n.
Sige, these are my thoughts.
It's an interesting premise to build up on what 'the moment of nothing is', and you use a lot of interesting images ('white fields, all red and bleeding', that sort of thing n__n) to try to explain what the 'moment' is.
But in the end, it still strikes me as vague o__o. I understand that to be in the 'moment of nothing' is feeling hopeless / regretful / like a failure, but before hammering your point home, you should try establishing and building up your dramatic situation first. What exactly is happening in that poem? I already said you've got a bunch of interesting images there, but like why would the fields be bleeding? Or what is the offering? Or who are the fellows and what have they come to take?
While I was reading, I was thinking there was a sort of war going on and people were getting shot and killed and one side was losing and people were feeling really bad etc. (But you may have had something entirely different when you were making this).
Also, you might want to put a clearer distinction between the 'you', 'I' and 'they' (because they could mean the same person, I wouldn't be sure).
Besides that, it's actually a fun poem to read. I tried reading out loud, and the rhyme scheme actually falls together nicely. It's also good that you were consistent in using the words 'moment of nothing' in every stanza, so it becomes like a chorus when you read the poem.
So it's an okay poem, that you can work on some more to make it better n___n.
If you want to re-write parts of it, just try to make it a bit less vague.
What I like most about this poem is that it carries a very sombre emo-ish air, but there is a reversal in the last line ('falling is not everything'). It's a short and sweet line that may add depth to everything else in the poem.
However, it still comes as a bit rushed. You could put another line (or something) just to clarify how a 'moment of nothing' can in fact mean hope.
And write more poems! It was fun to read this one n___n.